as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
