I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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