All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
