where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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