Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
