I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
