My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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