A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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