Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
