you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
