How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bag of teeth...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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