right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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