I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
