I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
