Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
