It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
