so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
