How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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