Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
