She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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