I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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