you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
