Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
