Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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