so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
