Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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