Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
