get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
