i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
