I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
