I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
