I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
