I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
