my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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