he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
