I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
