youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
