u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
