Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
