I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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