So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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