i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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