FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
