Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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