two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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