Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
