he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
