Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
