ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
