life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
