need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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