We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
