yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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