In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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