He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
