And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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