Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
