I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Pooping to opera.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
