Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
