It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
